The Bookshop Blogger #20
Tension rises in J.E.'s bookshop as Beloved Leader's visit approaches
Saturday, 24 July 2010
Poor old FCB, I don’t know whether to slap him or hug him at the moment. You see, he’s got himself into a right old lather because Our Beloved Leader has suggested that he might be coming to visit our humble little shop. Oh yes, every outpost of the kingdom will be receiving a visit during this, his ascension year. He intends to reach out to us both virtually and literally. This must be the literal bit.
We are currently in the midst of many new ‘initiatives’, most of which are quite blatantly about ‘ownership’ of our sections, so that we each have a say in which books we stock rather than having the decision foisted upon us. Like any new initiative, there are good and bad points: I don’t like paperwork, I do like selling books to customers. Then again, I like selling books that I have chosen to customers, and that requires paperwork. Business is complicated.
On the other hand, some of Head Office’s initiatives are less blatant – stealth initiatives. This brings us to a phone call that FCB received last week, the one informing him that Our Beloved Leader was coming. Well, FCB emerged from his office ashen- faced, duster in hand.
“DOMINIC’S COMING! EVERYONE GRAB A DUSTER! I DON’T CARE IF YOU ONLY CAME IN TO BUY A NEWSPAPER - IF YOU’RE HERE YOU DUST!”
“When’s he coming?” asked SNM.
“THURSDAY!” said FCB.
“It’s only Monday,” SNM pointed out.
“I DON’T CARE! DUST!”
I helped FCB back into the office so that he could re-set his volume control, leaving SNM free to serve the poor old lady who was now clutching a feather duster alongside her copy of The Times and seemed unsure which way to turn.
Now, what you have to understand is that dusting a bookshop is a bit like painting the Forth Bridge: as soon as you’ve finished, you have to start again. Nevertheless, we didn’t want FCB to blow a gasket - he may be annoying from time to time, but his heart’s in the right place. Or should that be, he may be annoying but from time to time his heart’s in the right place? Either way, we dusted and scrubbed and nudged piles of books into neat pyramids until our little shop positively gleamed.
Come Thursday, we were all dressed up in our best bib and tucker. Then the phone went. Dominic had been delayed at another shop and would have to reschedule, but “he was very much looking forward to meeting us.”
It’s brilliant! Half a dozen or so phone calls, one visit to one shop in the general area and - hey presto! - ten tidy shops! Repeat across the whole country and very soon you’ll have the cleanest chain of book stores in the world.
Dominic must feel a bit like the Queen; whenever she visits a factory or a village, everyone has been hard at it dusting and cleaning. She probably thinks she’s Queen of the world’s tidiest country, apart from Canada – which I think she owns as well, or something.
Talking of the Queen, or rather, her mother, the Queen Mum made an official visit or two in her one hundred and one years. William Shawcross’s Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother: The Official Biography came out in paperback recently - it’s quite interesting, if you like that kind of thing, although it’s not as - how can I put it? -illuminating as it could be. Alternatively, at the more salacious end of the market, if you like your Royals more Heat than The Lady then you might want to read William and Harry by Katie Nicholl. She’s a gossip columnist for the Mail on Sunday and I think that that tells you all you need to know.
Next time, I will help you find that diet book you’ve been waiting for – the one that works.
